ESCAPE 2000

If you think you've seen all the "escape from prison camp" flicks, you ain't seen shit until you've experienced Escape 2000.  This is cheesefest all the way, but the uncut version contains plenty of nudity and some good gory moments.  Plus the crazy synthesizer music is waaaaaay cool. 

Imagine a prison labor camp where four rich people want to enjoy a "turkey shoot."  The prey?  A selection of the finest, strongest inmates.  Throw in a goofy freak monster, loads of machine gun fire, exploding arrows, machete play, and ONE OF THE BEST GUY SHOT BY GUNFIRE UNTIL HE EXPLODES scenes I've ever seen. 

Good for all the wrong reasons, and the guiltiest of pleasures, do yourself a favor and check out Escape 2000 (Turkey Shoot). 

The Day movie review

 

 

The Day is the kind of movie that puts its cards right on the table.  Yeah, it's a mix of other post-apocalyptic movies that have been made before, namely The Road, but so what? 

 

I really enjoyed the way The Day begins.  It gets right to it.  A set of people trying to survive with little hope of finding food or safety spot an empty house, settle down, and they realize the house is a trap.  Then the band of cannibals show up, our survivors fight back, and the bodies start to fall.  Action, you got it.  Fast moving.  You betcha.  But...

 

Going beyond the surface, The Day is almost too streamlined.  You don't get enough background on the band of cannibals.  You barely see their camp for God's sake.  And come to think about it, you don't see any flesh eating either, so what the hell?  You don't get much background on the main characters either, so by the time it's over, you're not really left with much to chew on (pun intended). 

 

The whole affair is a bit thin.  Just one night of survival, let's see who lives and who dies.  That's really the movie in a nutshell. The Day does have its moments, especially in the second act, but it doesn't seem like a complete thought, or the thought is way too short to mean anything.  And the bloodshed is mostly CGI.  Blech! 

 

Rent it, but don't expect to be talking about the movie the next day to anybody. I have to add, Ashley Bell, the girl who's also in The Last Exorcism, does an excellent job in the film. She easily gives the best performance of the whole damn movie.  I hope to see her in more genre flicks. 

 

So okay, it's got action, it's fun for one viewing, but it sure could've easily been a lot better.  Also, a certain actor dies really early on that might disappoint a lot of people.  You can guess who that might be. 

 

Movie Grade: C+

 

Excision movie review

Excision is a movie interesting by its cameos/stars alone.  John Waters.  Malcom McDowell.  Ray Wise.  That's three cult figures already.  Then two characters that are in the movie more, Traci Lords and Roger Bart.  Wow.  Power packed, right?

That said, Excision is sort of like the movie Juno, if Juno was a total sociopath.  Our main character, Pauline, a young teenage girl curious about sex, life, death, and the usual teen hormonal bullshit, suffers from not being liked by her peers.  Add to that, Pauline isn't understood by her overbearing mother at all.  Pauline isn't the prettiest thing, and her social skills are lacking, but her diabolically dry wit is funny during most of the movie.  She's sweet, in a deranged, sad kind of way.  You feel sorry for her, until things go awry. 

The bigger conflict of the movie, Pauline struggles with the fact her younger sister is suffering through cystic fibrosis.  She's also having demented visions of hyper sexual surgery, featuring fetuses, cut up people, and other fucked up shit, in result of her strange anti-social anxiety.  What is this culminating to, you're thinking?

No spoilers, you can see a mile away what our main character has in store for the movie's finale.  It's sad, sick, depraved, but also poignant, socially satirical, and filled with dark humor.  I'm still a bit on the fence about it's overall enjoyability, but I'd say if you're in the mood for something different, slower moving, and more character and dialogue based rather than visual (though the freak out visions during the movie are pretty effective), you'll find something to appreciate here.  Probably a one-time view, though. 

Grade B-
Traci Lords: A+

The Collection Theatrical Movie Review

I was a mild fan of The Collector when it came out.  It wasn't original, but the execution and grisly deaths made it a fun enough ride.  Who would've thought a wide-release sequel would've ever happened, but it did!

The Collection, straight up, is a fucking blast.  Our collector is at it again.  The character who survived the first movie leads a group of what you'd call mercenaries, or bad asses, to the collector's hideout to save a rich guy's daughter from imminent slaughter. 

The Collection throws mass slaughter, killer traps, fun gore, and mile-a-minute action.  Horror fans will revel in the way it delivers mindless thrills.  Those who aren't big horror fans and don't enjoy squeamish stuff will shy away, but it's all done in the mode of fun. 

I highly recommend you see this in the theatres.  It doesn't seem like the box office take is that high, and I guess I'm not completely surprised.  Plus, the mainstream critics have given this one the thumb's down.  Well horror fans, I'm here to say they're FUCKING WRONG.  If you like slasher movies, gore movies, or a thrill ride, this one delivers.  It's not Oscar worthy or anything, but it delivers. 

Grade: A-
Mainstream Critics: "F" for Fuck You

Silent Night Review

Considering the long string of upcoming horror remakes, Silent Night seems to come out of nowhere.  The original caused a lot of controversy, considering it was simply a movie about a man dressed as Santa Clause going around and wasting people.  There were a lot of mad mothers writing angry letters when this movie came out.  There's nothing like a movie that causes some public outcry. 

Of course, we live in different times now.  People won't be writing angry letters to anyone because of Silent Night.  Despite this fact, Silent Night, for the most part, is a breath of fresh air.   An angry person in a Santa suit is going around slaughtering naughty people.  A nice collection of fairly gruesome killings, some nudity, and a fun script with fun characters (though a lot of it's been there done that, it's still done with an attitude of fun), make this remake a pretty solid entry. 

The only real snaffu in the plot is the weak description of the killer Santa's motives.  Sure, we understand why, but it's glossed over.  This could've been expanded, easily.  The original also failed to really go into the motives, besides this kid is crazy from a past experience from his childhood.  Maybe I thought the re-make might go for broke in this department, considering the source material. 

But hey, it's still a pretty fun movie to watch, though it's kinda throwaway.  Fun merriment, death, some boobs, and interesting characters make this a recommendation to horror fans, and even outsiders. 

Grade: B

Devil Hunter DVD Review

 

Jess Franco is probably one of the weaker directors in the foreign sleaze/horror trade.  I guess you could call him bottom of the barrel in many ways, though Bloody Moon isn't a bad slasher movie.  But Devil Hunter, oh man, is it bad.  I'll admit ten percent of this movie is entertaining.  That's not very much.  And not nearly enough to even qualify for the so bad it's good moniker.

 

Devil Hunter is really a product of the cannibal/jungle cycle due to the success of Cannibal Holocaust.  So Franco hops on the bandwagon and makes a movie about one (yes, one!) buggy eyed cannibal who eats people.  Add a goofy subplot about a movie star who is kidnapped, put in the jungle with a band of bad guys, and send a bad ass (Al Cliver) to retrieve them from the cannibal island, all the while avoiding this single cannibal guy.  Sounds cool on paper.  You get nudity, and two scenes of poorly done gore, and that's really about it.  The rest is bo-ring. 

 

The film is full of inept direction, namely scenes that last far long than they need to be just to drag out the running time.  People walking from place to place, shots of stock footage jungle, and the times it could get juicy, the movie shies away big time.  Poorly shot, a plot that could've been very entertaining, are all shot to shit. 

 

Final grade, D-

My Favorite Cannibal Movies

This list doesn't include zombie films.  I'm sticking with jungle or Amazon settings for this cannibal movie list.  A lot of these are banned films that hit the Video Nasty list. 

 

 

 

It's not as good as Cannibal Holocaust, but it has similar aspirations in the quality department (depending on your definition of quality). 

 

 

 

Eaten Alive is pure b-movie chuckles. Remove the horror and add laughs.

 

 

 

 

 

Amazonia works more as a rape revenge flick and Amazon love story than a true horror film.  Kept my interest. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Massacre in Dinosaur Valley doesn't quite follow the cannibal concept to its fullest, yet it's a fun cheesy adventure movie featuring the fakest plane crash scene ever.  Must be seen to be believed. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cannibal Holocaust is easily one of the best cannibal films in this category.  Horrific and as realistic they get.  This movie stays with you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I just started watching this film.  So far, it's cheesy and pure exploitation that rides hard the heels of Cannibal Holocaust. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mountain of the Cannibal God is probably the weakest on this list.  It does have its moments of gore and cannibal terror.  And Ursula, oh Ursula...