Microwave Massacre DVD review

   After watching this forgotten vestige of the VHS era, I was curious what the rest of the world thought of this movie.  It gets pretty stinky reception on IMDB, though I'd like to disagree with them to an extent.  It is NOT the worst horror movie ever, though I'd say "Blood Lake" and many of the "8 Films to Die For" Series would fall under that category.

The movie's opening proves to be the creepiest shot of the entire film (and the only creepy shot period) of a skeletal woman in an oven sized microwave under a red light.  Then ding, we go to a shot of a hoaky score that leads to a close up of a woman's healthy cleavage bouncing and bouncing some more as she walks to wherever.  This movie is purely meant for comedy from here on out.  Much of the movie relies on strained humor, and it seems like the actors are winking at the camera because they know their dialogue is hammy as hell. 

And that's what made me enjoy the film so much.  The movie veers from cheesy boob jokes to random husband and wife humor, especially how a wife wants to make fine "cu-zine" and the husband just wants a bologna sandwich.  The message is philosophical, right?

You wouldn't think a movie like "Microwave Massacre" would have pokes at gay and transvestite culture and the blue collar working class.  And you can't forget the strange scene where the woman pokes her boobs in the holes of a wooden fence for no reason as construction workers come running to get a taste of boob with tongues hanging out of their mouths or the female neighbor of the lead character (a robust Jackie Vernon) who's using a dildo to hoe her garden.  These things seem to happen and it doesn't matter why.  Just let it rip, right? 

The humor is even farther off in the deep end of random.  Try a scene where a woman is spread out on a large piece of bread and covered in mayonaise by a giant knife.  Or a group of middle aged construction workers going through the drive-thru telling a woman to take her top off, stick out her tongue, oh, and a diet coke to go, and the woman does it. 

I have trouble pegging down the point of the whole movie.  Jackie Vernon goes from killing his wife and putting her in tin foil to save for later, from killing several hookers and cheap woman and wining and dining (on them) them.  Maybe the movie is trying to say all men want to do is eat women.  Or the female body is scrumptious, so heat it up in a microwave and eat. 

It fails to scare or prove itself to be a bloodbath, but I respect how early on "Microwave Massacre" doesn't lie and tell you it's something it's not.  This film is ludacrous fun.  It's cheap, tawdry, and groan inducing at times by the lameness of its humor.  But again, that's what I find endearing about this film.  I was sad the movie was over when it ended because I wanted more. 

Anthem's DVD is a VHS rip that leaves me to wonder if a cleaned up version could surface, though being dug up deep from the trash heap of forgotten horror movies, this is probably the best we're going to get, though it's nice we have this heap of cheese UNCUT. 

"MM" has a special place in my heart, but I'm giving it a 3.  Most people will write this off as shit and give it a 1.  If you strip away the expectation of wanting a gory horror movie and eye the movie for it's strange brand of humor, then you'll take something from "MM." 

The Uh-Oh Show DVD Review

  Okay, the cover's not the greatest, but it's a Hershell Gordon Lewis movie.  Yes, a brand spanking new HGL film.  The Godfather of Gore himself is still around and kicking.  So okay, HGL put out the first gore for gore sake's films in drive-ins.  Can you imagine the shock and horror of audiences seeing such flagrant displays of butchery on a theatre screen for the first time ever?  Blood Feast, The Gore Gore Girls, and The Wizard of Gore are a few of his trash classics.  Wish I could've been there in the theatres, but it's not my generation. 

On with the review!  Fast forward about forty or fifty years in the new age of shot on video and low budget filmmaking anybody can do.  Where does an HGL find himself in the current trend of low budget films?  I'd mark him somewhere between Troma films and HBO's Mr. Show.  It's a tight crevice where too much of a good thing or too much of a bad thing can easily happen.

The Uh-Oh Show's premise concerned me from the onset.  A game show where people lose their limbs if they answer questions wrong.  How do you fill 87 minutes with that?  It's what happens between the game show that makes this movie so much fun.  You've got TV executives fighting for ratings, reporters exposing a plot to cover up murders (the show promises the people cut up are put back together again; yep, this requires a stretch of the imagination), and humor that's funny or misses the mark and is totally ridiculous.  You also get HGL himself as a story teller between scenes.  This movie is choked full of attempts to entertain you with gore, jokes (some enjoyable, some lame), and a few boobs (never hurts), and a Llyod Kaufman cameo as a pimp (make sure your corn hole's clean).  You'll have to see it for yourself, folks.

The Uh-Oh Show is a low budget movie that overcomes many obstacles if you let it.  This film also lets the Godfather of Gore stick in social commentary where he didn't really get to back in the heyday of drive in flicks, though The Gore Gore Girls pushed for it.  I'm not saying this is great filmmaking, but it's not shit.  I enjoyed my time watching it and was surprised at its level of humor.  As a story and cohesive plot, this one beats his old movies for sure. 

Here's to HGL being around long enough to throw another movie or two in our direction. I'll be all over it.

4/5 for super fan

3.5/ for medium fans.

2 for those who can't enjoy a lower budget movie under any circumstances. 

The Sleeper DVD review

Pre-review rant:   In an effort to better state my appreciation for indie/low budget/no budget films, I'm throwing this rant in before my actual review of The Sleeper.  Back in the day when I was young enough to be Hollywood's target audience, movies like Scream 1-3, Urban Legend, Valentine, and even Jawbreaker were the average fodder for teens like me.  This was the standard for new horror movies on the mainstream.  God help us all. 

What's a horror fan to do who likes their grue by the gallon?  DIY, baby.  Do.  It.  Yourself.  The rental market started to be flooded with movies shot on video.  Features like "Shatter Dead," "Meat Market," and "Zombie Bloodbath" were somehow winding up on video store shelves for rental.  Fans of the horror genre who weren't getting what they wanted from the mainstream tried their hand at handheld glory.  The results of these films are varied, but to be honest, mostly headache inducing crap.  To enjoy these flicks, the viewer had to strip away any expection of acting, production value, and the ability to hold a camera straight. 

But I respect the attempt and the heart behind the people behind the camera.  Does it mean the movies have merit?  That decision is truly on a case-by-case basis.  I used to watch these straight to video, DIY movies all the time and loved them.  But now, I have more reservations about them.  My patience isn't as high, my forgiveness doesn't extend as far as 90 minutes, and my ability to overcome flagrant flaws isn't as high.  But I respect it and will give anything an honest to God shot. 

So my review will begin...


The Sleeper is a homage to early 80's slasher films.  Eerie synthesizer music.  Fraternity house antics.  A killer fawning over hot girls' pictures and drawing a red streak through them when he's ready to kill them.  A detective hot on the trail of a murderer.  Mean killer phone calls.  Over the top killings.  Nudity.  Oh yeah.

I don't care what people say about classic slasher movies.  I love them, and I'll defend them.  Their impish humor.  The gore.  The nudity.  The unintentional laughs.  Great stuff.  I can see why somebody would want to replicate it, or perhaps send it a love letter on celluloid. 

Here's the catch with The Sleeper.  This is a low budget movie.  The film, the look, the acting, it's all very no budget.  Which can be fine, don't get me wrong.  But it takes away from the vintage look the film was trying to obtain. 

So the criticisms: The clothes don't look 80's.  There isn't really a main character to get attached to, like other slasher movies, where you're rooting for one girl to survive and kick the slasher's ass.  The girl that is in place isn't fleshed out enough, even by slasher rules.  The performances across the board are wooden, not that great acting is required, but a little bit of life helps.  The film quality is shot on video, so it doesn't look vintage like it wants to, but it tries and comes pretty close.  The atmosphere, despite the attempts to blare eerie synthesizer music at every chance, even at inopportune times, can get old. 

The appreciations:  You've got a handful of good kills.  A couple mediocre kills, sure, but enough good stuff to keep a slasher fan happy.  The killer looks scary and acts scary.  He's a real natural.  Joe Bob Briggs cameo.  And most importantly, a third act that really picks up and reminds us why we like slasher films, and why the filmmakers like slasher films too. 

Overall, my immediate reaction was I ENJOYED IT.  At first, I had many reservations as the film's limitations cropped up, but the good kills and the great final act won me over.  This movie reminds me why I like slasher films and tells me I'm not alone in the club.  So slasher fans need to see this, but those of you who say Scream is their favorite horror movie should join another fan club and let us have this movie to ourselves.

4/5 for you low budget hardcore fans
3/5 for everybody else.

Human Centipede 2 Review

100% Medically Inaccurate.  How true. 

So what's the scoop on "The Human Centipede 2"?  Fans of normal cinema would get nothing out of this review.  Those who don't have the blackest sense of humor would get nothing out of watching this film.  Those who can't stomach blood, shit, staples, obese guys with mommy issues, and perversion beyond sanity won't enjoy this flick. 

But for me, I'm wearing my special B-Movie goggles that protect me from going insane while watching disturbing and outright fucked up films, so don't worry, I'll be okay. 

As for the movie, I got the joke.  If you watch it like a sick sardonic comedy, it's actually accomplishing a lot.  Critics of horror say when you watch sick movies, you'll commit the acts or worse.  This movie shoots that theory full of holes if you really think about it.  The main character, a "retarded" fat guy with an obsession with the first "Centipede" film makes his fascination with the first film real.  He does so by unbelievable means, beating sick obsctacles, and accomplishing his dozen-pede.  The movie is making fun of itself while ratching everything up a notch.  I mean the killer whacks off with sand paper and sticks barbs in his penis.  It's a horror comedy on the grungiest level. 

Criticisms, sure.  It offends every moral on every level, but that's the point of the film.  It's the put you in a sick situation and see how you come out of it in the end.  So while this isn't a super thumb's up, if you get the joke, this films watchable.  If you don't get it, then leave it alone. 

I'll add the best made "sick/morally reprehensible" movie I've seen is "A Serbian Film."  It depicts horrible things happening to people, but it's so well made with underlying messages in the film that it's actually a good movie--take that with a grain of salt.  I don't think the movie makers are promoting or encouraging these behaviors.  Quite the opposite. 

So back to "HC2."  If you watched the first and you're hungry for more, give it a look.  The black and white movie doesn't take away from the watching experience.  It probably helps it. 

I give this film 3 full barf bags and 10 overflowing bedpans. 

Raro Video's "Murder Obsession" and "Body Puzzle"

It's been awhile since I've watched giallo movies.  I'll admit Italian giallo/horror movies are mood movies.  They require extra attention, patience, and a willing to let the story unfold layer by layer.  So here's my way of jumping back into the giallo race. 

Raro Video seems to be the new kid on the block, so how are the DVD's?  On both "Body Puzzle" and "Murder Obsession" you get quality tranfers, though not an overabundance of extras, but to watch a complete version of a film that's underappreciated or obscure, I consider myself lucky to get a high resolution viewing experience.  Kudos for the tranfers!  Lets do a better job on the extra features.

As for the films themselves, I'll dive into "Murder Obsession" first.  This is the classic scenario where the main character, an actor, doesn't know whether he's killing people or not or if it's just his imagination or someone else behind the scenes that's doing the killing.  The main character's one troubled guy.  He's got mommy issues, father issues, the fact he murdered his father over his head, and a sick mother who is living in one creepy ass castle with a super creepy butler/groundskeeper.  The gore scenes are laughable (though two kills are done by axe and chainsaw with aplomb) and the whodunit twist is very predictable, yet I managed to have some mild fun with this one, though it's got a bit too much pointless stream of consciousness scenes in it for my taste.  The music, meant to be creepy, is a tad annoying.  Overall, it's almost too tame to be a slasher and too predictable to be a solid giallo.  So I'd give a 3 out of 5.  For the average person, I'd say skip it, but for someone who has to see everything, there are aspects of this film that will entertain. 

"Body Puzzle" I enjoyed a bit more.  We're jumping forward about 10 years after "Murder Obsession," so it's late 80's/90's feel in "BP" where the giallo is pretty much a beached whale rotting on the sand.  This isn't exactly a film to resurrect the giallo, but it's darn entertaining.  It sucks for Lamberto Bava to always be compared to his father, Mario Bava, so I'm skipping that bullshit. 

The main plot involves a woman who keeps getting body parts left at her mansion.  Is it her husband whose supposed to be dead doing it, an old friend of her dead husband's, or something else completely?  The biggest question, why are they taking pieces of people and leaving them in the house?  It's not a complicated thriller, because we already know the killer, though the identity of that person is obscured a little, but you'll figure it out without scrunching up that brain of yours too hard.  There is some blood flow, but not enough to call it a gory.  I'd say the time spent with the detective is the best utilized.  By the end, the films just okay, but it's fun to watch. 

"Body Puzzle" seems to be missing the style, the grit, and the sexiness that older giallos possessed.  It's stripped down of style, sure, so it kinda comes off as a late night Cinemax movie.  That may sound insulting, but I mean it's fun, but not a style movie.  "Macabre" and "Demons" are Lamberto Bava's best films, and "Body Puzzle" is miles away from those films, but it's not crap. 

That said, I'm keeping my eye on Raro Video for what else they put out.  I'm happy to add these films to my collection.  Here's to keeping an eye out to what other movies are on the DVD horizon!