"Embodiment of Evil" review, or FLOOD OF GUTS AND ASS!

An avalance of TNA and GORE!  A barrel of CHEESE and LONG INTESTINES!  A black top hat full of BLOOD!  If a person who didn't understand the zest and fun of b-horror movies, they would "embody" it after watching, er, "Embodiment of Evil." 
The rundown is simple.  Coffin Joe wants to find a nubile woman to have his child.  Suffice it say, he meets dozens of nubile women and still, he just can't find the right lady to have his son.  Man, I can feel for the guy.  Naked hot women are throwing themselves at this old b-movie icon, and it just doens't work out, so what do you do?  You keep looking for hot nubile women, damn it.  Sure, the plot is kinda stupid.  But who cares?  I haven't seen a movie that's made torture, gore, sex, and weird dreamy psycho stuff come off as such a cheesy good time.  People get seriously harmed in this movie, but damn it, it's fun.  There's either something wrong with me, or the filmmakers have got their hearts in the right place.  I give this movie an "A."  I'm shocked to see this low budget film come off as so ambitious.  Great gore, crazy set pieces, and the acting, well, don't worry about that.  You get your bang for your buck in this one.  And this is coming from a reviewer who hadn't seen any of the Coffin Joe movies from the black and white glory days of film. 

"The Silent House" Movie Review

Now I can say I've watched a horror flick from Uruguay.  Anyway, there isn't a whole lot to review in this film called "The Silent House."  I respect the filmmakers attempt to shake off the POV camera/shaky camera effect for something more original.  The camera is basically following the girl throughout the whole movie, either from behind her or beside her, so it feels like you're actually her.  From that standpoint, very interesting idea.  What this film seriously lacks is substance.  I don't want to give the plot away (what little there is of it), but you're in a house with the girl hearing things and seeing things and generally wondering what the hell is going on.  The movie is JUST that, really, a girl walking about a house.  This movie fails to keep the movie watcher engaged once the truth behind what's going on is revealed.  The real problem is it could've been an interesting short film, but as a feature length film, it gets boring.  Now don't get me wrong, this movie had seriously potential.  It's not shot poorly, and the filmmakers seemed to know what they were doing.  The problem, there isn't much that actually happens.  To say anymore gives away the entire store and the point of this film.  I give it a "C" grade.  Could've been good, though. 

"Video Nasties" That Don't Suck Part One

I realized the other day that a few of my recent movie reviews on this blog happened to be "Video Nasties," which is a classification of movies banned in the UK back when home video was in its infancy.  I've been hard on the list of films so far, so I'd like to give a few examples of a few diamonds in the rough in this collection of "nasty" movies. 

I'll start with "Bloody Moon."  I've never been a huge fan of Jess Franco's films, but this one actually stands out from his fount of euro-horror/sleaze.  I won't give too much away, but this slasher movie actually works.  It's got a lot of nudity, some really good kill scenes (especially one involving a logging saw--delicious), and it's overall seedy nature lends it that special quality missing in a lot of similar slasher knock-offs of its time.  The soundtrack is absolutely atrocious.  In an interview with Jess Franco, he said the soundtrack was supposed to be Pink Floyd, but it didn't work out in the end--big fucking surprise considering this is a low budget movie.  I give it a solid 3.4 out of 5 stars.  Pretty darn good, and Severin's release of the DVD is a top-notch transfer with all the gory goods and nudiness intact.  Thank you Severin!

"Pieces" has got to be in my top five favorite slasher movies of all time.  The premise of a killer wanting to put together a jigsaw puzzle with a nude chick on it together for real is sick and twisted enough, but throw in some really over-the-top kill scenes, a college campus "Casanova" who's really good with the ladies, enough cheesy red herrings to occupy twenty slasher movies, and Christopher George's performance, and you've got b-grade bliss.  This movie delivers, no matter if the plot or the characters can't be taken too seriously.  I do take it seriously because it's that awesome.  It works on an impish level, and I love that kind of humor dervied from a movie where people tried to take a ridiculous idea seriously.  I'm not knocking it, keep in mind.  And I cherish the "Grindhouse Releasing's" uncut DVD with a beautiful transfer.  If you haven't seen this one make it a priority, especially if you're a slasher movie fan.

I'll finish part one of my "Nasties" list by mentioning "The Burning."  I think this should've been "Friday the 13th Part Two."  It's got Tom Savini special effects and that distinctive 80's slasher feel with enough sleaze and gutter humanity greasiness to it to win its way into my heart.  The premise is simple, a summer camp caretaker gets burned in a prank gone wrong, and later, the campers who go to the same camp in the future get stalked and killed.  What's different here is that the campers who end up being knocked off don't deserve to be killed, really.  They had nothing to do with the accident where the killer got burned.  We've got some good kill scenes, but what really makes me like this is how I feel after watching it.  Innocent people die, and that's the horror of it.  It's got enough darkness and real grime to it to stick to my ribs, and I've watched it multiple times.  Good stuff.   Good nasty.

"Hard Candy" Movie Review

     For starters, I can't say this is a straight horror film, but its characters, motives, and the way the movie's intentions unfold are extremely horrifying.  "Hardy Candy" is the very definition of uncomfortable tension.  Back when I was taking creative writing classes, teachers would always emphasize putting likeable characters in your story, a person the audience can cheer for.  In "Hard Candy," the narration tricks you along every step of the way.  You're not sure who to like or cheer for, since the story is literally only between Ellen Page and Patrick Wilson for the entire film.  They are both very questionable characters facing obviously immorally wrong things.

This film strings you out on mystery, but ultimately, the movie has a satisfying conclusion.  I really respect the writers and filmmakers who take on such risky  material as pedophilia.  Most people in general don't want to think about these people in our society, yet they're out there.  What would you do if put in this situation?  This movie, like many thrillers or horror movies, puts you in the line of fire and makes you consider the terrible underbelly of our society.  And if you were worried, this movie is far from pro-pedophilia.  I don't want to give too much away, because the story relies on cunning twists and turns, but if you're in the mood for a slow burn with lots of suspense, and you like your morals to be challenged, give this one a shot. 

Why It's Good to be a Horror Fan Now More Than Ever

A lot of people say they don't make horror movies like they used to, and I'd mostly agree with them.  Horror movies aren't the same these days, but that's not a bad thing.  It's easy to look back at the past and feel a sense of nostalgia and think simple things were way better than they actually were.  Nostalgia is potent.  Nostalgia is childhood.  Nostalgia is good times.  But for horror movies, then as opposed to now is a different experience.  We can talk about going to the prom or when you lost your virginity, or the first time you drank alcohol or smoked cigarettes, but horror movies are something different.  Nostalgia has been thrown out the window with this particular subject.  Here's why it's good to be a horror fan in this day and age.

It'll start off by a story about how I first obtained a shitty VHS print of "Cannibal Holocaust."  I was in high school, and I was out in a bad part of town after school one day.  One of our friends had a car, so we had access to these seedy places.  Here, bums would ask you for change and people would piss in alleyways at four o'clock in the afternoon.  A rough place, right?  So this guy with the car was big into skateboarding.  Underneath the skateboard shop he liked was a strange sub-store.  They sold bong and marijuana-related paraphernalia, and of course, they sold a ton of porno.  But what's really important was what was in that corner of that porno part of the store. 

A small wall of horror movies awaited me, ranging from Troma films, to "Faces of Death," to the lesser "Traces of Death."  This was real death. The real intense shit.  But there was also a movie that really stuck out from all of those, what ended up claiming the twenty dollars in my pocket.  It was a movie called "Cannibal Holocaust."  I didn't know anything about it, except the cover showed a tribal person impaled from the anus and out the mouth on a wooden pike.  Oh my God, it looked so real.  My friends chided me to buy it because I wouldn't put it back on the shelf.  I lied to the store clerk and said I was eighteen, when I was really sixteen.  But I got my VHS copy of "Cannibal Holocaust" and that's all that mattered. 

I watched it and was deeply disturbed by the realism of this mockumentary of a group of filmmakers studying a cannibalistic tribe and their exploits.  It really crossed morality and shocked me.  It also shocked my high school friends who I challenged to watch it.  "Cannibal Holocaust" became a small phenomenon at my high school.  I let anyone who said they'd accept the challenge of watching this film to borrow it.  The movie really was a challenge.  Watch me and see what you haven't seen before, the movie said.  It's almost like the porno part of the store.  Horror movies are a challenge for the viewer to watch the forbidden.  Dare yourself to expand your life experience.  Once you cross that path, you won't be the same.  This movie is morally wrong, don't you want to see why?  It's damn exciting. 

This feeling is missing from current horror movies for the most part.  There's isn't much of a challenge in movies these days.  The movies are safe and digestible by the general public.  PG-13 horror flicks attack the movie screen and real horror fans are left standing around with their dicks in the dirt.  But not any longer, damn it. 

Why is it better now than years before to be a horror fan?  One answer to that would be the popularity of the DVD format.  Tons of old horror movies have been released uncut and restored.  They look better than ever, and those morally wrong scenes can finally be watched.  But here's the kicker.  I don't have to enter a bad part of town and buy a film as if it were illegal contraband.  I don't have to go to a theatre with sticky floors and dirty seats to see these films.  It's all in the comfort in my own home, or for some, what they've pirated from the Internet. 

My point is a person watching horror films these days has access to banned horror movies, including "The Video Nasties Era" and ones that were known for being cut for certain gruesome scenes that were deemed too strong for the general public.  These films won't reach any mainstream theatres, but instead, our own home theatres. 

Why is it better to be a horror fan now that back in the day?  Think about the past.  Most movies would either hit the video shelves as VHS then disappear, or they'd have a brief cable run and then, alas, again, disappear.  But with DVD and Blu-ray, these films are being restored and re-released better than ever constantly.  Movies like "Frankenhooker," "Bloody Moon," "Pieces," "I Spit On Your Grave," "The Burning," "The Human Centipede," "Martyrs," and hundreds and hundreds more are constantly being put out on the market, including a fully restored version of, yes, "Cannibal Holocaust."  Sure, some of these films are great and not so great, but the viewer isn't put out too much to find these and watch them.  It's relatively easy with Netflix, Internet retailers, and companies that have the technology to restore these films.  This wouldn't happen in the 80's or the 70's.  

Why is it better to be a horror fan now?  Think about the movies that are being release these days, like the sequel to "The Human Centipede."  It was banned by the UK outright, but I guarantee you it'll be released uncut on DVD, and maybe even Blu-ray.  Hi-def nastiness easily accessible, right?  Sure, it might be morally questionable, but let the viewer decide, the viewer who buys the film or watches it on the Internet.  Fuck mainstream theatres.  If horror fans don't show up to the theatres, they'll show up on the retail market.  And for the most part, horror fans have showed up to view these morally questionable films. 

My point is if I was an adult twenty or thirty years ago, I never would've seen Lucio Fulci's "Zombie" re-mastered and in its uncut glory.  "Friday the 13th Uncut" would only be a pipe dream.  And let's not forget when Paramount said the original "My Blood Valentine" uncut didn't exist, and yet, it was finally released uncut only a year or so ago.  This wouldn't have happened back in the day.  Nostalgia's got nothing on accessibility when it comes to horror movies. 

This is a great time to be a horror movie fan simply because I can watch many movies that either became obscure, banned, or wouldn't see the light of day because there wasn't a way to get the word or the movie out to a widespread audience.  Now there is, so keep an eye out.  There's always a forgotten or cut horror movie coming out to buy in its complete and uncut glory.  Damn, it's good to be a horror fan. 

DVD Review of "Atrocious"

Tapping the vein of such films as "Quarantine," "The Blair Witch Project," and "Paranormal Activity" comes the movie "Atrocious."  Unfortunately, the vein in this body is tapped dry.  That's not to say a "found" footage movie can't be interesting or scary.  If you want to see something more worthwhile in this category of scare film, check out "Lake Mungo."  Great flick. 
Okay, back to "Atrocious."  This movie barely clocks in at an hour and ten minutes, and most of those precious few minutes are wasted.  Two kids check out the legend of a ghost woman who walks "the laybrinth," what's actually an elaborate courtyard in the woods type place near the big house they're staying at for the weekend.  These kids walk around, waste time, a dog is found dead, and did I mention a wishing well is involved in this story? (Remind you of another movie called "The Ring").  Towards the end, there's a scene where the two main characters, the two teenagers, are running through the woods at night, fleeing from something or someone, and I expected to see something lunge out at them or anything scary, but it doesn't happen.  It only pads the running time.  I'd say the last ten minutes would be the only minutes you'd actually want to watch.  There's a few seconds of disturbing imagery, but nothing to waste your time with, to be honest.  I don't want to spoil what actually happens, but the horror part of this movie is contained in the last five to ten minutes of the film, and the reasons for the scariness are glossed over to the point where what potential this movie had is squandered.  A family friend of the teenagers talks about the legend of this ghost woman at the beginning of the movie, but the explanation is very broad and unspecific.  So frustrating.  I feel like I've wasted my time with this movie.  Rent it and watch the last ten minutes if you really want to experience this movie and not waste your time.  All build up.  No pay off.  As a special note, rip-off films riding the success of other flicks can be very entertaining.  I love cheesy rip-offs or sequels, but this doesn't bring anything half-way interesting to the plate. 

Grade: C-

Scorpion Releasing's "Final Exam" DVD Review

Fan of slasher movies from the 80's?  Fan of slasher movies from the 80's without any gore?  Wait, wait, don't give up on this movie just yet!  Sure, "Final Exam" falls into the "average" slasher movie category, and there's no real mystery to who the killer is because it's just some random guy who justs shows up on campus and starts picking off people.  But the one thing that does work for "Final Exam" is its mood.  Mid-terms are over, and the campus is nearly abandoned.  Nobody is around to help the characters in distress.  And there are two really funny characters named "Radish" and a guy that reminds me of "Ogre" from Revenge of the Nerds that I really enjoyed.  So if you can appreciate mood and characters without gore or mystery, then give this one a try.  I enjoyed it much more watching it the second time around on Scorpion Releasing's DVD with delectable horror host "Katarina."  Unlike "Maria" from Code Red's line of "Maria's B Movie Mayhem" line, Katarina appears to have actually watched the movie and has formed her own opinion of the film.  Her speil was brief, though, but enjoyable.  Also, the film transfer is beautiful!  So overall, a good buy for big time horror fans and a rental for those curious about an old school slasher film without blood. 

DVD Release: A
Grade for Big Time Horror Fans: B-
Grade for Everybody Else: C