Human Centipede 2 Review

100% Medically Inaccurate.  How true. 

So what's the scoop on "The Human Centipede 2"?  Fans of normal cinema would get nothing out of this review.  Those who don't have the blackest sense of humor would get nothing out of watching this film.  Those who can't stomach blood, shit, staples, obese guys with mommy issues, and perversion beyond sanity won't enjoy this flick. 

But for me, I'm wearing my special B-Movie goggles that protect me from going insane while watching disturbing and outright fucked up films, so don't worry, I'll be okay. 

As for the movie, I got the joke.  If you watch it like a sick sardonic comedy, it's actually accomplishing a lot.  Critics of horror say when you watch sick movies, you'll commit the acts or worse.  This movie shoots that theory full of holes if you really think about it.  The main character, a "retarded" fat guy with an obsession with the first "Centipede" film makes his fascination with the first film real.  He does so by unbelievable means, beating sick obsctacles, and accomplishing his dozen-pede.  The movie is making fun of itself while ratching everything up a notch.  I mean the killer whacks off with sand paper and sticks barbs in his penis.  It's a horror comedy on the grungiest level. 

Criticisms, sure.  It offends every moral on every level, but that's the point of the film.  It's the put you in a sick situation and see how you come out of it in the end.  So while this isn't a super thumb's up, if you get the joke, this films watchable.  If you don't get it, then leave it alone. 

I'll add the best made "sick/morally reprehensible" movie I've seen is "A Serbian Film."  It depicts horrible things happening to people, but it's so well made with underlying messages in the film that it's actually a good movie--take that with a grain of salt.  I don't think the movie makers are promoting or encouraging these behaviors.  Quite the opposite. 

So back to "HC2."  If you watched the first and you're hungry for more, give it a look.  The black and white movie doesn't take away from the watching experience.  It probably helps it. 

I give this film 3 full barf bags and 10 overflowing bedpans. 

Raro Video's "Murder Obsession" and "Body Puzzle"

It's been awhile since I've watched giallo movies.  I'll admit Italian giallo/horror movies are mood movies.  They require extra attention, patience, and a willing to let the story unfold layer by layer.  So here's my way of jumping back into the giallo race. 

Raro Video seems to be the new kid on the block, so how are the DVD's?  On both "Body Puzzle" and "Murder Obsession" you get quality tranfers, though not an overabundance of extras, but to watch a complete version of a film that's underappreciated or obscure, I consider myself lucky to get a high resolution viewing experience.  Kudos for the tranfers!  Lets do a better job on the extra features.

As for the films themselves, I'll dive into "Murder Obsession" first.  This is the classic scenario where the main character, an actor, doesn't know whether he's killing people or not or if it's just his imagination or someone else behind the scenes that's doing the killing.  The main character's one troubled guy.  He's got mommy issues, father issues, the fact he murdered his father over his head, and a sick mother who is living in one creepy ass castle with a super creepy butler/groundskeeper.  The gore scenes are laughable (though two kills are done by axe and chainsaw with aplomb) and the whodunit twist is very predictable, yet I managed to have some mild fun with this one, though it's got a bit too much pointless stream of consciousness scenes in it for my taste.  The music, meant to be creepy, is a tad annoying.  Overall, it's almost too tame to be a slasher and too predictable to be a solid giallo.  So I'd give a 3 out of 5.  For the average person, I'd say skip it, but for someone who has to see everything, there are aspects of this film that will entertain. 

"Body Puzzle" I enjoyed a bit more.  We're jumping forward about 10 years after "Murder Obsession," so it's late 80's/90's feel in "BP" where the giallo is pretty much a beached whale rotting on the sand.  This isn't exactly a film to resurrect the giallo, but it's darn entertaining.  It sucks for Lamberto Bava to always be compared to his father, Mario Bava, so I'm skipping that bullshit. 

The main plot involves a woman who keeps getting body parts left at her mansion.  Is it her husband whose supposed to be dead doing it, an old friend of her dead husband's, or something else completely?  The biggest question, why are they taking pieces of people and leaving them in the house?  It's not a complicated thriller, because we already know the killer, though the identity of that person is obscured a little, but you'll figure it out without scrunching up that brain of yours too hard.  There is some blood flow, but not enough to call it a gory.  I'd say the time spent with the detective is the best utilized.  By the end, the films just okay, but it's fun to watch. 

"Body Puzzle" seems to be missing the style, the grit, and the sexiness that older giallos possessed.  It's stripped down of style, sure, so it kinda comes off as a late night Cinemax movie.  That may sound insulting, but I mean it's fun, but not a style movie.  "Macabre" and "Demons" are Lamberto Bava's best films, and "Body Puzzle" is miles away from those films, but it's not crap. 

That said, I'm keeping my eye on Raro Video for what else they put out.  I'm happy to add these films to my collection.  Here's to keeping an eye out to what other movies are on the DVD horizon!



"Breeders" DVD review

When I saw the review at "10k Bullets'" website of Breeders, I had to check this out.  I love cheesy bad horror movies.  Bad dialogue, nonsense plots, meandering performances, anything that makes me laugh, I consider gold. 

So what about "Breeders?"  There's not much of a plot.  Monster goes after "virgins" to impregnate them.  A detective and a nurse, the dynamic duo, try to put things together with wooden performances and cardboard intensity. 

Yes, there's TONS of nudity.  Every other scene, there's a chick undressing.  There's a few gory set pieces, but nothing any seasoned horror fan hasn't seen before.  So what do you we get that's so great?

The monster is about the worst rubber costume to appear on film ever since the low budget movies of the 50's and 60's.  So that's a letdown, but the dialogue is where it's at. 

But I'll be honest, you'll have to really be in the mood for this kind of movie.  It's not funny like "Troll 2," the holy grail of bad horror movies.  It's just a train wreck you have to watch, though most would walk out on it.  So you're in Ed Wood territory.  "Breeders" is on the fine line of hilarious movie fun and a quick way to get a headache. 

Okay, maybe it didn't give me a headache, but the laugh factor wears off about an hour into it.  You've got a lot of people going into buildings, walking up flights of stairs, going from Point A to Point B and taking forever to do so.  So where "Breeders" suceeds in being a ridiculous b-movie, it suffers what a lot of low budget horror movies succumb to, and that's having to waste time to make it feature length.  If this movie was sixty minutes, I'd pay the same price and would've enjoyed it a lot more.

Worth a watch?  Only if you like to expand your bad movie viewing experience.  If not, stay away.  There's nothing scary or especially gory, just ridiculous fun that gets boring about an hour into it, but still noteworthy in its own right.  Bottom line, if it weren't for the horrible "funny" dialogue and nudity, it'd be completely throw away. 

Not a gem, but not quite a turd.  Final verdict: C.

My Novels So Far, and More to Come!

It's 2012, and for me, another year of fighting to reach an audience of readers.  Yeah, it's tough and slow going, but I'm trying to start this year off with a throat punch.  This Tuesday, February 7th, "B-Movie Reels" will be released on e-book with a June paperback release.  And keep your eyes peeled, because the sequel "B-Movie Attack" is right behind it, each book from Samhain Press.  I'm also proud to announce "Ashes in Her Eyes: Uncut Edition" will be out in February as well.  This is a re-release of a book I had published about a year ago.  It's re-edited, uncut, and better than ever.  And finally, I plan to release the sequel to "Cider Mill Vampires" by the end of the year on e-book.  This will be called "This Town Eats Everything." 

I'd like to thank all my friends and family who have shown support, as well as fellow authors who have shown their support and enthusiam for the genre and the craft of writing itself.  For those at Samhain Publishing, Living Dead Press, Open Casket Press, and Damnation Books, who've helped me every step of the way professionally, I extend my deepest thank you.  This writing thing I do isn't a fleeting interest.  It's a life long journey, and I can't wait to meet more people and accumulate new experiences.  And support your authors, no matter what genre they write in.  Read and buy books.  Happy 2012!

COMING SOON!!!!!

COMING SOON!!!!!!

"B-Movie Reels" on e-book!

  "B-Movie Reels" is now available for pre-order on e-book.  Official release date is February 7th.  You can get it from Samhain's website or on amazon, or Barnes and Noble.  Check out the horror madness of b-movie villains coming to life in a small town.  Blood, boobs, and butchery!

Syngenor Movie Review

This movie screams Syfy channel movie if Syfy channel existed in 1990.  The main difference between the crappy CGI made-for-cable movies and "Syngenor" is nostalgia.  It screams early 90's trying to come to terms with the end of the 1980's.  This movie is full of fake rubber suited monsters, but damn it, they're physical costumes.  People had to put effort into making these special effects.  Think "A-Pix" flicks like "Ice Cream Man" and "Jack Frost" (the killer snowman movie) or even "Chud 2: Bud the Chud."  These were the good old days where middle of the road movies that were direct to video were actually half-way interesting, despite their production downfalls.  Overall, with this movie, you get a potent mix of cheesy acting, poor effects, and the funniest swat team to ever grace celluloid.

Okay, the last 30 minutes of this flick is what really counts.  There's a ton of meandering with a company ran by David Gale of "Re-animator" fame in the first hour that gets pretty droll.  It goes on and on about how "Syngenor" was designed to fight battles for the United States, the monster being a super solider that can quickly reproduce.  Blah, blah, blah, but once you get the funny swat team battle under your belt, the rest is pretty awesome for a cheapie flick.  I even felt shades of "Frankenhooker" and "Re-animator" at the very end when the Syngenor mutates and changes yet again.  The last half hour is where it's at, so you might be tempted to skip the first hour if you view the movie again. 

So sure, the movie is "average," but I give "Syngenor" more credit for its fun last half-hour.  Skip the first hour, and you've got a descent slice of entertainment.  I give this one a low "B."